Sex, love and gratification

[Mat]

This is probably the most personal thread I have ever started. At least, I think it's going to be. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...

For the first time in my life I've slept with a girl who I wasn't actually in love with and it's left me feeling a little odd. She wasn't some stranger I picked up at a bar or something and she wasn't someone I felt absolutely nothing for - she's a friend I care about. But that doesn't change the fact that what we did, completely sober I might add, just didn't quite feel right.

I've been with a total of four women now (a small figure for most men my age, or so it seems) and this is the first time I haven't been wholly emotionally invested in one. We were both trying to feel more for the other but have since decided that there just isn't that spark a real love has.

Anyways, exposition aside I guess the real reason I'm starting this thread is I'm curious how the rest of you all deal with sex and your relationships. I don't think I'm capable of having a one night stand unless very, very drunk. And while I approach nearly every facet of my existence with a go-with-the-flow relaxed attitude, for whatever reason it bothers me that so many of my peers are quick to just bang whatever's warm, semi-attractive and handy.

I wish I hadn't slept with my friend. I regret that we both faked feelings for one another.

<sighs>

I'm not quite sure what it is, but I just haven't been myself lately. I'd like to think I was more emotionally mature than this, but somehow here I find myself trying to come to terms with something I shouldn't have done in the first place.

 

[Rampage]

From my well of experience it appears that it was not that there were no feelings there between you two. There just weren't enough for a relationship and now you two are uncomfortable on how to move forward. Am I right?

I have had a couple of one-night stands and a few partners with whom I was in a relationship. I have also had "friends with benefits", where you are jus friends but if one of you has a itch, the other is nice enough to help you scratch it, if you get my drift.
To me the key is never doing something with which you cannot ddeal with the results. Many people have sex then cannot deal with the factthat it was JUST SEX. If that is your deal, then you may want to chill out until you find someone. For others (I'm in this section!!!), sex and love are different and one can derive physical pleasure form someone without necessarily having toi have a relationship with them.
I'm married now so this is all past tense, but back in the day I had no problem with simply having sex with someone as long as she was up to my standards and I found her attractive.

 

[Foxfire]

Awww Mat, I'm sorry to hear that. But you KNOW Lexi will be all over you! lol Just kidding, hon.

Although I don't know you in real life its difficult to assess how you feel in person. But, from what I gather about you, your a unique soul. I think your curious about love but your afraid of being hurt. So at times you allow love to find you, because you were hurt in the past.

Your looking more so for a soulmate, someone who you feel a connection with and more than just a physical one. You seem to enjoy the girl next door to accompany your Irish charm and vigor. Your the type of guy most women dream of dating, but I think in a way you hold yourself back.

And as for your friendship with your friend, I think both of you were hoping for sparks. And you both took a gamble that sex can bring people closer. Everyone makes mistakes, Mat, so don't beat yourself up for it. Its all part of that trial and error effect. You didn't try to seduce her for the sex, you hoped for an emotional bond.

If your both feeling horrible, chances are your still capable of staying friends. You saw something there but sometimes life can be an illusion. I think its best at least you both attempted to provoke a fire. Be grateful you still have her as a friend and vice versa.

As for me I cannot sleep with someone I have no feelings for. I have to be in love with someone because to me sex is a huge deal. I can't just sleep with someone I don't love or care for. My love stems from my emotions, they help guide me. I know everyone's different.

But, don't beat yourself over it Mat, its a learning lesson.

 

[Mat]

Rampage: I think my main problem is that this is the first time I've ever had sex with a girl and not known how to feel about it afterwards. Instead of feeling content and better for the experience, this time it feels like I made a mistake.

Foxfire: Yeah, I am looking for a soulmate or at least a partner I can be comfortable with. I'm not quite sure what you mean about holding myself back, but if you'd care to elaborate I'd appreciate it.

Another aspect that totally weirds me out is that the girl I slept with is having trouble with her own sexual identity and says she has some feelings for a girl back home she never quite got closure on. So, in the span of a week I've gone from being this girl's friend to being her boyfriend, sleeping with her, no longer being her boyfriend and potentially being the last guy she's ever with. I feel like I'm in the fuckin' twilight zone.

 

[Foxfire]

I got that feeling from your ex girlfriend but I didn't say anything. It felt like she was trying too hard to like you. Most people go through that transition of finding what sexuality they are. It seems like she was using you to get over her feelings over this other girl.

As I said before Mat, don't be too hard on yourself. You weren't trying to "play her" or anything malicious.

And what I meant about holding back was your feelings. I think your afraid to tell the person how you truly feel. It seems to me that you treat these women very well but when it comes to being yourself, you have difficulty. Its like you put up little walls to protect your heart from instances such as this.

 

[Osiris]

Maybe you two should agree to meet in a neutral environment and honestly and frankly discuss your feelings about the event. Once its all out, Im certain you will feel better.

 

[Lawless]

Don’t beat yourself up over it. Consider it a life lesson, that it was something you didn’t know about yourself. I don’t think either one of you were out to use each other in the detrimental sense, the current result proves that you care about each other as far as friends go. Sex is a personal thing whether you’re a swinger or the monogamous, everybody draws something from it in their own way. Yours is to have a serious emotional investment in your partner and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that

 

[Mat]

The issue's been resolved. I don't normally get bothered by things for a very long period of time, and have come to terms with the situation.

I do think I'm going to take a long break from women, though. Life seems a little less complicated when I'm not involved with one.